You are B-tarded.

Business school makes you stupid.

If you find the previous statement disagreeable, you probably went to business school. You were probably smarter on the day you arrived than on the day you left. You were definitely  a better human being. You are also making more money now.

Firefighters solve problems by risking their lives and confronting burning buildings. Engineers solve problems by applying math and science to original designs. Farmers solve problems by turning dirt, water and time into food.

MBAs don’t solve problems. They can’t. They aren’t skilled enough. They spend their time finding people who can solve problems and even more time finding clever ways to under-compensate them. They call this leverage.

Example usage: “I am leveraging the IT department to streamline our operational processes”.

Translation: “They way we push papers around is inefficient because we are dumb. Let’s get some computer guys to write a software package that automates it, so we can just hit a button and look like geniuses to our bosses/clients. Also, we will never take the time necessary to understand the software, so if the initial button press doesn’t work, we freak out and send threatening emails to IT and bitch a lot. Lastly, whatever cost savings this generates can go directly into our bonuses, since this year’s budget already accounted for our original stupidity.”

I could relate some firsthand encounters with this nonsense, but that would likely embarrass a few folks and get me fired, so let’s attack this from a different angle.

Cows are interesting creatures. They are delicious, so we cultivate them and eat them. People have been herding cattle for ages and everything has gotten along just fine. Round’ comes the 21st century and suddenly, the B-tards get involved (the B is for business, in case of confusion).

“We can do it better,” says the B-tard. “You see, stupid farmer, you are letting all these cows roam free and eat whatever they want, which happens to be grass. Well, I got all this excess corn crop due to B-tard instigated agricultural subsidies, so why don’t we feed them that instead? They would never eat this stuff on their own, but cows are stupid. I am a smart human, so I know best…

What!? cows that eat corn get sick and make people who eat them sick too!? No problem! All we have to do is leverage some doctors and ask them how to control killer E. Coli infestations. What’s that you say doctors? Antibiotics would do the job, but would be a bad idea? Well, in B-school, they taught us to ‘get the job done’ and ‘cover your ass’. So I will ignore your strong objections, since antibiotics do get the job done and no one can possibly sue you for breeding new strains of superbugs in cattle.

This is the same kind of thinking that saddles us with the consequences of drop-in gas tanks, DDT, and of course, subprime mortgages and the general collapse of the United States economy. They coined the phrases, leveraged buyout (using a ton of borrowed money to kill your competition) and human resources (treaing people like shit) . One day, we will make fun of business majors like we make fun of communications majors. Today, if I hear you say the word leverage, I will slap you.

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